Yes, well. I really don’t even know where to begin. Expletives aren’t helpful. I’ve tried.

[Insert litany of bad luck, unexpected bills, trying to survive on one very much reduced income, ridiculous number of crimes witnessed/smaller number as victims of. Whatever. Imagine something totally random and unpleasant and it’s probably happened to one of us since the last post.]

The thing with living with a bad situation for a long time is that when you do see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s almost harder. You can picture what that better future will be like. But oh, you still have two more years left of law school, the bar exam, and then the waiting. Right now I feel like I’m waiting for the bar results.

So yeah, I seriously thought it would all be sorted by now. I know time passed because I have these pretty, color-coded charts in my bullet journal. I wish I could say this was because of benzodiazepines, but I don’t take them. This is my brain protecting me from trauma, I guess?

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Apparently I’m doing rather well with the language thing, but not so much avoiding aspartame. (I have also slacked off on practicing writing with my left hand.)

I am trying to be positive. (It’s a new line item for December; gratitude has been on the list, but practicing abundance is new.) Sure, on paper we are doing better. kH has his offer of permanent employment (although they are now over a month late on when it was supposed to kick in, which means we’re still paying 3x more for health insurance than before and no, he doesn’t get holidays as a contractor).

Bonus: I have medication again! I went two months without the more important sort (the kind that regulate breathing and blood pressure) because money. (Bonus two: because I was afraid I’d stroke out, I avoided the news even more than I usually do.)

My Black Friday purchase was a book about the Welsh language before the industrial revolution. (Actually, it’s a collection of essays.) I’m guessing it was a mistake: the price was off by a decimal of its ordinary price, so I got it for $3.14 and Prime shipping.) WINNING.

Things that make me happy:

  • Pilot Frixion stamps. I love these and they cost less than $3. I’ve become a cheap date.
  • Pilot Frixion highlighters. These are HIGHLIGHTERS THAT ERASE. Genius.
  • When pH randomly hugs me and it’s not a lead-up to asking me to buy her something.
  • When pH is happy because her friends are all being friendly.
  • When homeschooling is drama free. (I feel like making a sign that says “X days since tantrum about long division.” You know…maybe I shall.)
  • My child went trick-or-treating without us. Like when did she get old enough for that? (Sweet girl, she did check on me several times by calling home and giving me updates.)
  • My vastly simplified home. It’s coming along. I sold a bunch of my nicer clothes and shoes to pay for stuff like rent, which was not fun at all, but there’s extra room in the closet.
  • Being part of a carpool. How did I survive before carpools?
  • My brother is getting pH a gift that will fulfill the “wow” factor in a way our finances can’t. Sometimes family does come through.
  • I can write again. There was a very, very long time when I couldn’t. Apparently writer’s block is a thing if you’re too busy having a nervous breakdown about paying bills, others’ health, and trying to do all the things. Now I know. And so do you.

Hoping you are all having sane, calm, and peaceful holidays.