I’ve entered my winter depressive phase. This manifests as thoughts of:

  • Homeschooling? Still? WHY?
  • I have wasted my education.
  • Thus: I have wasted my life.
  • My daughter would be better off in public school–no, wait, she wouldn’t.
  • However, I would be better off if my daughter were in public school because I would not be having to deal with her pre-teen attitude.
  • Oh. Did I mention my 9 1/2 year old is starting puberty? (This is apparently normal–I’ve read the books that say so) but let’s just take a high-strung, gifted, emotionally labile kid and add a bunch of estrogen and JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
  • Family angst: My parents are dicks because they refuse to acknowledge my daughter’s existence and while I’m glad their crazy isn’t in her life and frankly, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the fallout from what she might say to them given said hormones, they’re still dicks.
  • I miss my grandparents so much I relive all the grief of their deaths during the holidays. I found a voicemail that had been emailed to me from my grandmother on my computer and got to play it for pH. She was quickly bored. I listened to it for about an hour, over and over.
  • I don’t know what to do with my life. I bought a bunch of GRE materials–but what the hell would I do with another degree? Also, I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have it in me to withstand any more graduate school.
  • Homeschooling? Still? WHY?

And so it goes. That’s where I’m at when I’m staring off into space or pretending to read–if you were wondering.

Some other stuff:

  • Series 3 of Y Gwyll/Hinterland is great.
  • An ENT pronounced my vocal cords to be uptight. I don’t think that was the word he used, but now I go to someone who is supposed to teach me how to make them relax. I was hoping I could get her to teach me how to roll Rs (because it’s kind of a disability for learning Welsh) and I found out she couldn’t, either. Nor could her intern.
  • I am pretty sure that all the time I spend at the pool while pH has lessons is NOT great for my vocal cords, but it’s anecdotal.
  • If you eat 1200 calories a day and don’t mind long walks in the rain, you will lose about 2 pounds a week. It’s not very fun.
  • In order to deal with my frustration with my daughter on Sunday, I rearranged my study. That was Phase 2 of starting a podcast. (Phase 3 is getting a webcam and Phase 4 is getting the gumption to do it.) I even thought of a name, but it’s SECRET.

More seriously: my husband’s aunt just died. He is the youngest of dozens of first cousins, and this is his next-to-last aunt. He wants to support his cousins…but he doesn’t want to go to the funeral because kH’s sister is a dick the way my parents are dicks and she’ll be there with her dick family–and he hates funerals. In any case, he’s not doing well right now, which makes this a bad time (again) for me to lose my shit, so unfortunately, I will simply have to keep mine together for now. (I am trying to convince myself a pair of Fluevogs would be the ticket, but it’s a hard sell when your net income is less than zero.) Fortunately, tomorrow is the day I drop my kid off so she can fish or do whatever it is she does with a lunch and a knife in the woods, so at least there will be quiet. Thank you, Trackers.