Yes, my eyes are green.

My husband is not dying faster than ordinary, at least not this week. This is good news, but I dread the pre-EOB bills. (I’m amazed at how long one waits for appointments but how fast those bills arrive.)

But.

I don’t know if it’s because my ovaries feel like they’re in a boxing match, if it’s stress let-down, if it’s stress ramp-up (I added another physical, social activity to pH’s life–adding to my taxi duties and diminishing time for myself), or the potstickers I knowingly consumed last night, wheat-be-damned (they really were wonderful but I am paying for it). Maybe it’s that pH has woken me up several times in the last two nights. Maybe it’s that I had nightmares about my birth family last night.

Maybe it’s because I have three novels that want to come out right at the same time and right now. (I have a tendency to mull things over until the pieces fall into place, I outline, then I write. It happened all at the same time for all three.) I have the opposite of writer’s block and I have scant time to write, and when I do find time to write, I’m too tired to write.

Maybe it’s because pH asked me who my boss was.

“I am.”

“No, really.”

“No, really. I am. It’s freelancing and it’s teaching you.”

“But what about a job? What is your job?”

Horrible mood. Nothing does it like not feeling like I contribute financially. Because I don’t, much.

I did the things that usually make me feel better (cleaning, organizing, etc.)…and they didn’t. I got out of the house (again). I took a klonopin.

Nope. I wish I drank. Maybe that would help.

I am feeling petty and jealous of people who lived charmed lives, who live in beautiful houses and do not worry about money. (This is why I am not really paying attention on Facebook; I don’t care how fake the presentations are; I can’t deal with everyone’s happy cheerful posts.)

IRL, someone tried to cheer me up by saying at least I wasn’t in Nepal. Um, thank you for the perspective? (I said something like, yes, the biggest earthquake I was in was 7.2, there were no avalanches and I did survive it, although a number of people near me didn’t. Pro tip, admirals: don’t let anyone name a freeway after you.)

Perhaps Tuesday will be better.

No positive spin

On this:

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Those poor electrons are lonely.

Or on your husband having cardiac symptoms, refusing to go to the hospital last night, and now waiting on tests. You know. Good times. Because nothing says, “Please pile on additional stress” like wondering if your husband will, like his father, drop dead of a massive coronary at approximately the same age.

If you need me, I’ll be running my qH mom-taxi service while trying not to have a nervous breakdown.